Answers

Hi, I'll update this post as I answer more questions... and I intend to stand by my guarantee that by tomorrow every question will be answered! However, I won't be answering the questions in order.

1. Why won't my godfather buy me a duck? (Bradley)

Dear Bradley, I believe the reason your godfather won't buy you a duck is because he just doesn't understand how important it is to you to share a bond of this nature (ie a duck giver, duck receiver relationship). But don't worry I have a feeling he will come around in time, in the meantime just continue to show him love and respect and you two will be fine.

2. Why doesn't your mother buy the damn thing herself? (Bradley's godfather)

Dear Bradley's godfather, The reason Bradley's mother won't buy the duck herself is because she wants this exchange to strengthen the relationship between the two of you. She wants to see you grow closer... sure she could just bestow this amazing gift on Bradley bt he already loves her to death. It is really a gift to you that she is allowing you to be the duck purchaser.

3. Why won't you call me by my correct name? Are you ashamed of me? Also how would I get 3 elephants and a pink hippo in a fridge? (Oatmeal)

Dear O'Neil, YOUR NAME IS NOT OATMEAL! Your correct name is O'Neil, and I am only ashamed of you when you start using that ridiculous false name. As for the elephants and hippos there will be none of that young man, you are grounded (but use a really big fridge otherwise).

4. Hi there, I had a really busy weekend and I need to know what the best way of disposing of dead hookers is? (Anonymous and BHN)

Dear sick people. The best way of disposing of dead hookers is to collect them up, shove them in your car, then take them round to the person who asked about the Liverpool fan.

5. I have a friend who's a huge Liverpool fan. Liverpool just won something and he won't shut up about it. How can I get him to shut up, short of killing him? (Anonymous)

Dear friend of Liverpool fan. Shortly you should be receiving a large consignment of dead hookers. Take these round to your friend's house when he's not there and hide them in his basement. Then give the police an anonymous tipoff. A life sentence in prison should shut your friend up for awhile.

6. What is inflationary bias, with special reference to central bankers using discretion to set monetary policy. If you could incoporate the time inconsistency problem into your answer that would be fabe. (Alan Greenspan)

Dear Alan, the answer to your question is 42 + or - 3.5 (to allow for time inconsistency)

7. I have a question, who is this anonymous person? (Anonymous)

Dear mysterious friend, the answer to your question is you!

8. Am I still banned? I get cranky when prevented from doing as I wish. You dont want a cranky Ostrich on your hands - no siree, Billy Bob.(Which, BTW, is NOT a girls name). (Boris the Ostrich)

Dear Boris, No you are no longer banned. But if you refer to Billy Bob as a strictly only male name again I shall be forced to reconsider my position.

9. Why am I so hot?And why, dear god, do I never take off my shirt? (Daniel Jackson and Kirsty)

Dear Daniel and Kirsty, well I have to admit it is so incredible how hot you are that I was stumped for an answer, so I turned to a being slightly more intelligent than myself and asked God. She said that you were a gift from herself to all the female Stargate fans in the world to make up for the fact that there are only bastard male writers writing Stargate. Which brings me to the second part of your question, the reason you never take your shirt off is because of the bastard male writers of Stargate... if there was a female on the team you know your shirt would be off at least 77% of the time!

10. Do we regard utility as the quality of the experience or expectations being fulfilled? (Uryia)

Dear Uryia, we regard utility as the quality of experiencing the fulfilment of expectations.

11. So does that mean we need simply lower our expectations in order to increase utility while consuming a smaller number of goods, thus violating the concept of monotonicity (note, the careful use of the word good as opposed to a "bad" or a "neutral" (Uyria)

Dear Uyria, that is a good try I can see you have some understanding of the situation. But unfortunately you don't quite have this problem under control. Let me explain... What we need to do in order to increase utility is lower our quality fulfilment of expecting experience whilst violating the birdie dance and consuming un-neutral cheesecake.

12. Who are YOU calling a slag. (The Real Oatmeal)

Dear The Real Oatmeal, I was calling no one a slag, but I believe that Oatmeal was calling you a slag. Hope this answers your question.

13. Why is giving up a habit suddenly called "going cold turkey"? (Boris the Ostrich)

Dear Boris, In ancient times the phrase "going cold turky" was in reference to when turkeys (ancient turkeys, not these wussy modern turkeys) would randomly shed all their feathers. Local townspeople would see this and yell out "Hey you're going cold Turkey". This became especially more frequent as the winter months approached. Around this time a group of humans started the first nudist colony, where much like the turkeys giving up their feathers, these hardy folk would discard their clothes and live in all their natural splendor. And like the turkeys these people would get cold, and highlighting their similarity with the turkeys (whilst also insulting the nudists) , clothed people would yell "you're going cold turkey". From here I think you can see how the act of giving up everything all at once (be it a smoking habit or shedding all ones clothes) became known as going cold turkey.

14. Who is Darren oxo? (Killer Chicken)

Dear Killer Chicken, Darren oxo? Refers to my boyfriend Darren and then I was sending a special oxo message to him, which means hug kiss hug (I mean duh!).

15. Who is killer chicken? (Andrew)

Dear Andrew, Killer Chicken is the blog commentor who asked me who Darren oxo? was (see above).

16. Why do girls go to the bathroom together? (BHN)

Dear Bhn, there are two answers to this question. Answer A: Because in all girls bathrooms there's a hot sexy Daniel Jackson lookalike, who is willing to have three, four or five-somes. Answer B: Girls go to the bathroom together because girls like to talk. A lot. And sometimes privately. And sometimes in clubs etc (a common place for girls to go to the bathroom together) the bathroom is the only place they can talk. Another reason is because if someone else is going to the bathroom a girl may think "if I go now I won't need to go later by myself" and then they have company whilst travelling to and from the bathroom. Which makes perfect sense and I don't know why you didn't figure it out yourself.

17. Why are buttons (as in remote control) named the same thing as buttons (as in shirt)? (Boris the Ostrich)

Dear Boris, it is a little known fact that both TV remote buttons (and any push button of that nature) and shirt buttons were actually named after chocolate buttons... due, of course, to the similarity in their shape. Buttons have since evolved to many different shapes, but originally they were all round, and often chocolate coloured, just like chocolate buttons.

18. Do you do any work at all anymore Mindy? (Lara Croft)

Dear Lara, yes. I answered one or two questions for about 2 minutes each hour... which left a lot of time for working unfortunately. And I also answered a large number after work.

19. Why is it that green tea is brown? (TSauce)

Dear TSauce, green tea is brown because in days gone by Queen Victoria was given a gift of green tea by the Chinese Amabassor. Unfortunately the translator on duty that day was high on opium and also not very good at their job in general, and they incorrectly translated the word "brown" to "green". After that the Queen invariably called the tea green tea, and no one wanted to make her look stupid by correcting her and so it stuck.